I feel like I'm teetering on a seesaw... I felt pretty good about my earlier post and had some energy to do a little work around my home... Not bad considering that most days I don't feel good about anything and have little energy to even get dressed...
And then the mail came... we received more cards and letters which have been such a great source of comfort for Ryan and me..., a water bill, the funeral home statement, ...and Christian's birth certificate.
It's IMPOSSIBLE to feel good about anything when it feels like you're getting punched in the face every day. ... I received my son's death certificate before I even received his birth certificate. We received his medical card from our insurance company yesterday, letters addressed to Christian from the hospital...the hospital he DIED at... and I've even received a bill for him. My son was 4 days old and he has a bill in his name!
No grief counselor can offer words that ease the sting of getting on with life after my son's death. How much must I endure before I completely snap? I'm angry and I'm upset.
Is this the way to healing? Every book I've read about dealing with grief talks about the emotional side of loss... but few address the business of getting back to normal... I checked. There are no chapters regarding mail call or what to say when your not-so-observant neighbor asks when he can come visit your new baby (That happened as I was walking back from the mailbox today).
It sure feels like I'm in the "Anger" stage of grief. Not a good place to be.