September 1, 2008

Empty Arms...

Dear Friends,

It's been 4 days since Christian's memorial and I am still trying to come to terms with the loss of my precious boy. Ryan and I have spent countless hours looking at photographs and videos taken of our thankful for preserving what few moments we had with him. Our tears mingle together as we talk about our boy. His life was such a many hopes and dreams shattered, but yet, he was an answer to many prayers...A birthday we never thought we'd have. Again, such pain and joy... two emotions which will forever be linked together.

There are no words of comfort which will help to ease our broken hearts. Not today, anyway. I miss my son so much.

Just before morning, I went into Christian's room and curled up with one of his onesies... I held it close to me taking in the smell of his lingering baby scent and wishing that I was holding him again in my arms. I closed my eyes and rocked back and forth as I remembered how he felt snuggled against my chest...the weight of his body so slight as it lay against me. I remembered the little noises he made and the softness of his skin as it touched mine. I will always cherish these precious moments with my son. Too few memories... but, they are all I have.

At times, the emptiness I feel completely overwhelms me.

I remind myself constantly that I must walk and not run through this journey...that it will take time to heal. But it is a lonely process. I am emotionally and physically tired... drained of every emotion except pain and grief...they are my constant companions.

It's such a contrast to how unbelievably happy Ryan and I were just a short time ago. The birth of our son was an amazing experience...A lifetime of joy felt in the 4 days and 3 hours our son lived on this earth. Ryan and I share our favorite memories of him often... we love how his hair looked after we took off his hat...wild and messy and just plain adorable. We loved how milk used to accumulate in the corner of his mouth after a feeding...and we loved how he used to peak at us with one eye open...seemingly shy and curious at the same time. We loved how he used to point his little index finger... a trademark he adopted early on... even while he was still in my belly. There are so many little things that we will never forget! He had such a large personality for one so tiny! I can only smile as I think of him.

I know that losing my son has permanently left a scar on my heart...but I it's a scar I will gladly bear... I had my son for 4 glorious days... God blessed me and my husband with an amazing little boy... and to feel this pain is a reminder of the best days of my life.

I don't know what God's plans are for my life as I move forward through this journey...but I do know he does have a plan. Already I feel changed by this experience... another paradox... fragile and tender hearted as I think about my son.. and stronger as I absorb how Christian's life has impacted me forever.

To my dear friends who have remained faithful in this journey with me...thank you so much for your continued prayers and support for my family. There are simply no words which can adequately express how grateful we are for each one of you. Ryan and I feel your love and appreciate how you've embraced us...especially my son. Thank you for caring and keeping vigil over our broken hearts. We Love You All.......




Kathy said...

Such precious, beautiful thoughts on your amazing baby boy. My heart breaks for you and Ryan. My prayers continue...

sea star said...

The pain will pass, but the beauty will remain.

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

My love and prayers for your broken hearts.

Judy said...

Still praying for you guys!

Lady-in-the-Making said...

We're still praying for you too, Leah and Ryan.

This was a beautiful, heartwrenching post. Your little boy was a true fighter and champ. I feel so terrible for you both.

God bless you.

asplashofsunshine said...

Little Christian was probably trying to tell you, "Hey Mommy, you know I'll always be your #1!"... hence the finger pointed up. Smart little boy! Isn't it wonderful that he can still make you giggle even when you are not able to hold him or hear his giggles?! What a miracle!

Take one minute at a time. I will not pretend to know an iota of your pain right now, I just hope knowing that words of encouragement and prayers help just a little bit. Take care of yourself.

Angie said...

You are right, there are times when no human words can bring comfort or make things better. Ultimately, only Jesus can change the grief from a monster that eats us, to something that leads to healing. The only thing I can tell you is to take it all to God- the hurt, the anger, the pain, the loneliness, the unfairness..everything! Even though there are moms like me who have lost to Trisomy 18, only HE can truly get it.

My Mommy Time Minute....Online said...

When a child dies, it’s not the natural order of things. The pain that you experience is not of a sickness or a disease from which you recover. It is a transformation with which we must learn to live. With the death of a child, you are forced to do the “impossible”: to construct a new life and discover a “new normal” in a world that no longer includes your beloved. The emotions that you are currently going through are very natural and normal under the situation. But please believe, that as difficult as it is to believe, you will not always feel this powerful and all consuming grief. For now you must follow the natural feelings of your soul and allow your heart to grieve. This grief can’t be skirted over, around or under. You must go through it in order to come out on the other side. Be gentle and patient with yourself and your family. Allow yourself to cry, to grieve, and to retell your story as often as needed and for as long as you need to. Eventually, you will smile and find joy again. You will never forget your loved one; he will be with you in your heart and memories forever.

You have been touched by an Angel, and his life has made such a lasting impact on so many! I am truly moved and taken by your courage and strength! Thank you for allowing us to share your heartfelt journey. With the strength and love you and Ryan share, Christian's memory will live on and continue to touch and comfort so many! Our prayers are always with you both.


Bob & Tereasa Gleisle

Janelle said...

just wanting to tell you that i've been thinking about you. i've been following your blog for some time, and i just pray that God will comfort you & hold you...

Julie E. said...

I hope you dont mind, but I'm a bit of a blog stalker! I have read your entire blog and am drenched in tears. Although I don't know you and your family, I want you to know you are in my prayers. Christian has obviously made such an impact on so many lives!