It's been 4 days since Christian's memorial and I am still trying to come to terms with the loss of my precious boy. Ryan and I have spent countless hours looking at photographs and videos taken of our son...so thankful for preserving what few moments we had with him. Our tears mingle together as we talk about our boy. His life was such a paradox...so many hopes and dreams shattered, but yet, he was an answer to many prayers...A birthday we never thought we'd have. Again, such pain and joy... two emotions which will forever be linked together.
There are no words of comfort which will help to ease our broken hearts. Not today, anyway. I miss my son so much.
Just before morning, I went into Christian's room and curled up with one of his onesies... I held it close to me taking in the smell of his lingering baby scent and wishing that I was holding him again in my arms. I closed my eyes and rocked back and forth as I remembered how he felt snuggled against my chest...the weight of his body so slight as it lay against me. I remembered the little noises he made and the softness of his skin as it touched mine. I will always cherish these precious moments with my son. Too few memories... but, they are all I have.
At times, the emptiness I feel completely overwhelms me.
I remind myself constantly that I must walk and not run through this journey...that it will take time to heal. But it is a lonely process. I am emotionally and physically tired... drained of every emotion except pain and grief...they are my constant companions.
It's such a contrast to how unbelievably happy Ryan and I were just a short time ago. The birth of our son was an amazing experience...A lifetime of joy felt in the 4 days and 3 hours our son lived on this earth. Ryan and I share our favorite memories of him often... we love how his hair looked after we took off his hat...wild and messy and just plain adorable. We loved how milk used to accumulate in the corner of his mouth after a feeding...and we loved how he used to peak at us with one eye open...seemingly shy and curious at the same time. We loved how he used to point his little index finger... a trademark he adopted early on... even while he was still in my belly. There are so many little things that we will never forget! He had such a large personality for one so tiny! I can only smile as I think of him.
I know that losing my son has permanently left a scar on my heart...but I it's a scar I will gladly bear... I had my son for 4 glorious days... God blessed me and my husband with an amazing little boy... and to feel this pain is a reminder of the best days of my life.
I don't know what God's plans are for my life as I move forward through this journey...but I do know he does have a plan. Already I feel changed by this experience... another paradox... fragile and tender hearted as I think about my son.. and stronger as I absorb how Christian's life has impacted me forever.
To my dear friends who have remained faithful in this journey with me...thank you so much for your continued prayers and support for my family. There are simply no words which can adequately express how grateful we are for each one of you. Ryan and I feel your love and appreciate how you've embraced us...especially my son. Thank you for caring and keeping vigil over our broken hearts. We Love You All.......