September 5, 2008

Dear Friends,

Tomorrow is my 6th year wedding anniversary... It's also the original due date my doctor gave me for Christian's debut into this world. How differently things have turned out.

The reminder popped up on the screen of my blackberry today...not as my wedding anniversary, but as Christian's birthday. Another reminder... another ding on my heart.

I really am trying to get better emotionally, but everything reminds me of what I don't have...and that is my son. I feel terrible today.


Anonymous said...

You are supposed to be hurting right now, a piece of you is gone. Don't try "heal", just allow yourself to grieve. Let yourself feel this, God has not left you. He is holding you tighter than ever. Your writing is an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing so deeply.

Kim ( said...

I am thinking of you and am continuing to pray. We know that our babies are in perfection with our Savior, but we also know our arms are empty of them and feel a heavyness for them that can not be denied. I am sorry Christian is not in your arms and I am praying for you daily.
I hope you have a nice anniversary and can celebrate your marraige and the fact that it created a beautiful baby boy!
With love,

Gabbin' with Giff said...

I will get on my knees for you tonight. I can't begin to imagine how you feel, but I will pray the Lord continues to hold you in His arms.

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

I just found my way to your blog last night, and it has touched my heart. I pray tomorrow that you get to spend all day with your husband, comforting each other on your special day, a day that will never be just yours again, another day you will always share with your beautiful son.
Remember you are not alone.
All my prayers,

Abby said...


We've never met, but I was introduced to your blog through some friends and I have been following your story!! I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you and your husband have a strong faith and that you know that baby Christian is with our wonderful Lord. I will be praying for your family and for you to continue to have peace that passes understanding.
In Him,

P.S. Happy Anniversary!!

Laurie said...

Praying for you in this difficult time Leah, asking God to gently draw you into the pain of all you have lost and be there to comfort you. He knows your pain. You haven't had time to even catch your breath yet Leah, and it is going to take much time to get through this loss. Let yourself grieve, knowing God is there to lift you up. I continue to pray for you each time I think of you. May you and Ryan draw closer than ever in your marriage and have a happy anniversary together.

Much love and prayers, Laurie in Ca.

Mrs. Mother said...

Grieving is the natural thing to do when someone we love dies. Just go with it. When you feel bad, let yourself. If you feel good (which doesn't happen often, I know), do so. My grief counselor told me today that we are entitled to any feelings we may have.

Cathy said...

Leah, let yourself feel his loss. I am not a counselor but do feel you need to real be in IT! Wanted to send you blessing for 6 yrs. of marriage and praying for your heart to heal.

Skerry said...

I found your blog by following several links. Your son is beautiful, what a wonderful head full of hair. I am sorry for your loss and will pray for peace and comfort for you as you journey through grief and life.

christine said...

Leah and Ryan,
I will be thinking of you today with extra love and prayers. Your love for each other is so strong. It was so visible last Sat. even through your grief. Look at you wedding album today and see Christian's beautiful Mom and Dad and tell him about that amazing day.
Love, Christine Smith

Christena said...

Dear Leah,

I so hope that you and Ryan find some peace today on your anniversary. What a different day you had wished for, I know, and how I wish you both still had Christian in your arms. Grief is such a heavy cross to bear and as you said, in many ways it is unavoidably lonely at times. You will survive this journey and one day the memories of Christian will bring you more peace than pain. That doesn't make the road any less bumpy. But one morning some weeks down the road, you'll wake up and realize that you didn't cry yourself to sleep the night before. And slowly, slowly it gets easier.

At least that's how it was for me with my grief. Some nights I would curl up on the couch with my dog and just cry into her fur. Time will never, never take Christian from your memory or your heart, but it will ease the pain.

Please have faith that the pain has its purpose. Continue to talk to your sweet son and write him letters to tell him how much you love him, how much you're hurting and how grateful you are for having known him. He will hear his Mommy and will help slowly guide your heart back to peace with his soft angel kisses. I'm keeping you in my heart and prayers.


Penny said...

Oh Leah! I am so sorry that you are going through this struggle. Let yourself feel this and let yourself be "in the pain" don't try to shortchange this step. You have a loss that is more precious to you than your own life. Your son has made suc an impact on so many....... that is all good an fine but I remember well the angry feelings.... I wanted to have my sweet healthy baby in my arms. I would wake sobbing or screaming. I can tell you there is life on the other side of that early grief. I am so glad I got to be a small part of Mackenzie's life. I would have loved to have more but God had a different plan. Now I am so much closer to Him.

I pray for your tears to come and for you to feel the arms of Jesus securely holding you and Ryan through this painful journey. Pour over those fabulous pictures of you and Ryan with your pride and joy.


kc mom said...

I am so sorry for your loss. There are NO words. May you and your husband find peace knowing that you have a wonderful, beautiful son who is now watching you from heaven.

sea star said...

Thinking of you and sending you love.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Leah,

We are crying with you and thinking of your sweet son, how beatiful he is, and how thankful we are that we got to know him through you.


Anonymous said...

You need to grieve. I have never experienced the lose that you have. But My guess would be that healing will take some time. You expect so much out of yourself. Perhaps, it is because you knew before Christian was born. But knowing and seeing, two totally different things. You are very brave and sweet. Treat yourself, like, you would treat a good friend. Christian was created in love, spend some time with your husband on your anniversary. Remembering that love is honoring Christian. I hope each day gets better for you.

Kathy said...

Dear Leah and Ryan,

I am hopeful that you two were able to celebrate your 6th Anniversary. A very bittersweet day, no doubt, yet you need to celebrate the gift of each other, such a blessing from God.

Know we all are praying and the Lord is holding you both through this loss.

No one knows more about the agony of death and seperation than God, so much so that He sacrificed His Son so we would never be seperated from Him.

I can only imagine these dark and difficult days you must tread through but I do know that our Lord is walking you through this.

May God give you His peace,

Courtney said...

I went through something similar and will be praying for you. My heart breaks but know in time, the sharpness of the pain eases a bit. Hang in there.

So Blessed said...

Thinking of you tonight...and lifting you in prayer.

Sara said...

I'm so sorry sweet heart. Christian was such a beautiful baby. I'll be holding you up with prayer.

Judy said...

Still praying for you!!

Darlene said...

I am still praying for you and your family. I am so so sorry for your terrible loss. I hope that you do not feel pressure to be "all better." Christ weeps with you, holds your hand, and knows that your 'joy' at this time rests in the truth of heaven.
Sometimes as Christians, I think we feel like we need to constantly have it together, or be pillars of joy in grief(at least I do). The people of God were weepers!!! I love to read Lamentations at times of great pain. May God meet you there.


Tore101 said...

Leah, my prayers are with you. Grieve in your time, one day at a time. Tomorrow may be easier, and the next day not as much. But this is a time for your heart, body, and mind to just be what it is at that very moment. God loves you. So many people love you and are praying for you. Continuing to pray ...