August 26, 2008

Quiet Reflection

Today, I spent some time in Christian's room quietly reflecting on how much my world has changed in such a short period of time. As I looked into his bassinet, I felt loss so heavy that, at times, it was difficult to breathe. I miss my son... my precious, precious boy who gave me so much joy during the few days we were blessed to be with him.

As I looked around his room, I was comforted by all the things that belonged to him... and I whispered softly telling him I love him. I truly feel his presence with me and it's a bittersweet feeling... pain and joy... hardly two emotions that should go hand in hand....but in my world, they will forever be linked.

Fierce pride welled up inside me as I went through his little box of belongings... clothes he wore at the hospital, little stuffed animals that kept vigil in his crib, his "binkie", and yes...even the plastic medical I.D. bracelet he wore...letting the world know that I was his mom.... All these things belonged to Christian... Everything smelled like him... What joy to remember what he smelled like as I snuggled him close to me.

It's hard to describe...but having these precious few belongings of Christian's meant that he truly had weight in this world... He was already accumulating "stuff"... My little boy was HERE... He had a birthday and he overcame monumental odds just by being being born. I am so proud of him! He was a little fighter... so much determination!

Ryan and I say he was so strong for us... he wanted to be with us just as much as we wanted to be with him. I could definitely see it in his eyes on the day he died. There was so much clarity and understanding in the way he stared at us... I can only believe it was God working through him to help us in that dark moment.

My heart is broken and my tears seem never to dry on my cheeks... but I still rejoice because I had an amazing little boy and I am a mom! Regardless of how many tears I shed for the loss of my son, I will always feel gratitude for having been allowed to meet him and spend time with him... I had a miracle!

As I closed the door to his room... I felt a renewed strength to do the things which are most difficult these days... I worked on his memorial... I wrote his obituary... these things are difficult to comprehend... but it's my life these days... and the trade off was so worth it. I had my son.

It's hard.... I'm hurting... but I'll deal with it ... I know. With God's grace and amazing friends... I'll heal...we will all heal.




Katie said...

We don't know eachother, but I have been following your blog. You and your husband are amazing people. Your strength is incredible and my heart breaks for your family. Your son is so precious. I pray that you find peace in the following days to come. Thinking about you all at this hard time.

Kenzie said...


Praying for your fragile, broken heart right now. It hurts so deeply and yet, with the Lord, you are so right... you WILL make it. You will heal. That healing doesn't ever mean forgetting, but simply remembering with more joy than pain, more smiles than tears, more faith because you know exactly where he is. You will definitely heal! Praise the Lord for His eternal promises and His HUGE loving arms.

So much love!

siscaboo said...

I don't usually comment but, I would just like to offer big hugs. And to let you know that I am praying for you. I too lost my son. While I don't know your feelings exactly, your post could be a mirror of mine those first few days after JT went to his heavenly home. We are coming up on his first birthday Friday, and the emotions are really hitting me hard. I will be praying for peace and comfort in this time of grief, and celebration of a special little man.

Darlene said...

Your words are so touching, and your transparency is beautiful. I just wanted to let you know that Christian Dale blessed my day today. While I read your post, my son, Christian, was fussing at my ankles. I was defiantly pulling a typical mommy-needs-a-minute-to-herself-for-Pete's-sake moment. He saw me eating something, and it set him into a fit at my feet.
I read deeper into your words. And I stopped everything that I was doing to just hold my child. We both stared at the picture of the two of you for a moment, in quiet. My son was still, and we held one another.
Thank you, Christian Dale.

Anonymous said...

Your words are beautiful, and your share your emotions and love for your son so clearly. I am praying for your family in this difficult time.

The Lenda's said...

Praying for your hearts to heal. May his tiny little feet leave an impression not only on your heart but the many others who hear his story. May you rest knowing even as your arms ache to hold him that God is holding your son and he will never know the pain and suffering of this life. I look forward with you to the reunion of meeting our babies in heaven. I have lost seven babies through miscarriage and can't wait to finally see their precious faces in heaven someday.
With Hope
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel in PA

Danielle (Beth's sister) said...

Leah and Ryan,

You both amaze me and bring tears to my eyes with how strong you are. Your love together and for your darling Christian is reflected in your beautiful words. My thoughts are beamed across the Atlantic to you and my prayers are for you both for strength and peace. Many tears will be shed of happiness, joy and sadness but with each of these emotions you are reminded and comforted of the memory of your beautiful son.

Love to you all


boltefamily said...

Praying for you Leah! These days can seem so unbearable, but you are seeing those glimmers of hope. You are so right. Your sweet boy lived and he made a difference.

Much Love and Many Prayers,

Lady-in-the-Making said...

Leah, I wish I had some wise words to comfort you with.... Please just know that you ARE a mom and you DO have a son. I'm so thrilled that Christian fought his way into the world and had time with his Mom and Dad. His life mattered.

We're praying for you and we'll see you on Saturday. I'm thinking of you guys all the time, even though I've never met you.

Mandy said...

I am hurting with you as I read your words and remember the fresh and raw pain and heartbreak of losing Madeline. I am so, so deeply sorry you are here without your sweet Christian. But know you will see him again and can love him like you want to right now. What a reunion it will be in Heaven when all of us moms and dads see our babies again. Please email me if you want to address is


Penny said...

Hold tight to each other, your little guy was so special that he left a forever footpring on your heart. Those memories and sweet items of "stuff" will be forever cherished. We are praying for God's grace and peace for you to be able to put one foot in front of the other in the coming days. So glad that you have friends and family close to comfort you.

sea star said...

There really are no words for your broken heart, my deepest sympathies. Amazing photo of you and your son.