Today, I spent some time in Christian's room quietly reflecting on how much my world has changed in such a short period of time. As I looked into his bassinet, I felt loss so heavy that, at times, it was difficult to breathe. I miss my son... my precious, precious boy who gave me so much joy during the few days we were blessed to be with him.
As I looked around his room, I was comforted by all the things that belonged to him... and I whispered softly telling him I love him. I truly feel his presence with me and it's a bittersweet feeling... pain and joy... hardly two emotions that should go hand in hand....but in my world, they will forever be linked.
Fierce pride welled up inside me as I went through his little box of belongings... clothes he wore at the hospital, little stuffed animals that kept vigil in his crib, his "binkie", and yes...even the plastic medical I.D. bracelet he wore...letting the world know that I was his mom.... All these things belonged to Christian... Everything smelled like him... What joy to remember what he smelled like as I snuggled him close to me.
It's hard to describe...but having these precious few belongings of Christian's meant that he truly had weight in this world... He was already accumulating "stuff"... My little boy was HERE... He had a birthday and he overcame monumental odds just by being being born. I am so proud of him! He was a little fighter... so much determination!
Ryan and I say he was so strong for us... he wanted to be with us just as much as we wanted to be with him. I could definitely see it in his eyes on the day he died. There was so much clarity and understanding in the way he stared at us... I can only believe it was God working through him to help us in that dark moment.
My heart is broken and my tears seem never to dry on my cheeks... but I still rejoice because I had an amazing little boy and I am a mom! Regardless of how many tears I shed for the loss of my son, I will always feel gratitude for having been allowed to meet him and spend time with him... I had a miracle!
As I closed the door to his room... I felt a renewed strength to do the things which are most difficult these days... I worked on his memorial... I wrote his obituary... these things are difficult to comprehend... but it's my life these days... and the trade off was so worth it. I had my son.
It's hard.... I'm hurting... but I'll deal with it ... I know. With God's grace and amazing friends... I'll heal...we will all heal.