August 27, 2008

Bumps in the Road

Today is tough... I ventured out of the house today to run some errands, but I had a hard time focusing on the simplest of tasks. Tears were my constant companion as I drove from place to place trying to accomplish what I'd set out to do. I keep telling myself it's okay to feel this son died only 4 days ago. 4 DAYS... not long ago...but yet, it's an eternity with empty arms. Oh, how I miss my little boy so much.

It's said that, "Time heals all wounds.", but I wonder if that applies to me too. How does one heal from a loss so great? It doesn't seem possible...but then, again, it's only been 4 days.

I woke up in the middle of the night...something I've done every night since coming home from the hospital... the weight of despair bearing down on my unbearable. I kept rocking back and forth crying out for my son. And the silence was deafening.

I thought today would be the day I finally shared stories of Christian's amazing birth...but it will have to wait another day. Perhaps tomorrow I'll find the words...




Blakely said...

My heart aches for you! Please know that there are people all across the US that are praying for you.

The Powell Family said...

You take your time...there is no rush in mourning a great loss. Just honoring God's gift in him...praying for you.

Lady-in-the-Making said...

Leah - for everything there is a season. Right now it is your season to mourn. Don't push yourself, Dear.

I so hurt for you. It must be unbearable. I'm praying for you often.

siscaboo said...

Leah, don't push yourself, let your grief consume you. We will be right her waiting for you when the time is right for YOU to share with us.

Many prayers of comfort for you!

Christena said...

Oh Leah,

My heart breaks for you. Your arms will always ache for Christian and time won't heal that wound, it will only soften it. What is an open, gaping wound now, will one day be a scar. But there is no rushing grief. Even when we try, it takes it own course. Don't be afraid to follow its course and listen to the needs your aching heart is crying out for. If you want, blog your every feeling, frustration and confusion and know that a community of patient, caring support waits for you.

Oddly enough, another thing that sometimes helps on the road to healing is reaching out to others now walking the same road you have walked. Sometimes it can show you a strength you couldn't have imagined you had in you... but only when you're ready. Please just listen to your ailing heart.

I am so happy to hear that your family and community are so supportive. It seems that when we grieve, every gesture of kindness is amplified a million times and our sense of every one of life's blessings is also amplified. This is one of the innumerable gifts that your darling angel Christian has given you. Through all the pain, your son has given you a new awakening to all the small blessings that this life gives us. What an enormous blessing your son has been to you. How lucky you are to be Christian's mother. There is no doubt that your son and his mother and father are match that could only be made in heaven!


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Your radiant smile and love is an inspiration. This blog ( has been helpful to me and I thought maybe it would be to you also. Cyber hugs and prayer and lots of love.

boltefamily said...

Praying for you Leah. I know how empty those arms can feel. Your loss is so huge. Be gentle with yourself, don't push too hard. I wish I could tell you this was a wound that time could heal, but I don't think that is true. I think that the pain never goes away. God will just continue to strengthen you and give you the grace to get through each day.

Much Love and Many Prayers

Laurie said...

Praying so much for you Leah, 4 days is not long enough to even catch your breath sweetie. Please take all the time you need and do not feel rushed to share with us before you have the chance to let this time settle into your heart. Asking the Lord to gently carry you and Ryan during this heartbreaking time. I wish there was something I could do to help besides pray. I can't imagine how much this must hurt but you have my constant prayers. I am so sorry for the ache in your arms that this precious boy left. May Gods grace and comfort surround you and Ryan and draw you close to eachother. I am so sorry, so sorry.

Prayers of Comfort, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

Be gentle with yourself, this is a long, gut-wrenching process. I wish that I could tell you that time does indeed heal our wounds, but I don't think that is so with a loss such as yours. You will always feel that ache in your heart for your precious son. Time does help to make the intense days of grieving fewer and far between. Honoring his life here and getting your feelings out will help you in the healing process. Praying for you on this very difficult journey.

With Love,

MarlaJen said...

Dear Leah,

You are such a strong woman and will make it through this. Taking it one minute at a time is sometimes what it takes. Praying for your comfort and healing...


Anonymous said...

Leah and Ryan;

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time. Please allow yourself to grieve. Do not feel guilt. I know you were very thankful to God to give you precious time with Christian. You are very brave. Christian was very lucky to have you two has parents. He was LOVED. Unconditionally, to many children never experience that gift.

Stacy said...

Leah-It has been 6 years since my son, Joshua, went home to be with Jesus. He was born with T18 in August of 2002. I understand your pain and want to bring you into my arms and tell will make it.

Take each day and each moment slowly....and reach out to Jesus for comfort and your healing. He will surround you with His huge arms of mercy and grace and will carry you on the days you can't take another step forward.

I encourage you to pull out your Bible and just open it...anywhere....and let His words pour over you and comfort you. For those of us who have walked these roads of grief and pain, T18 babies that are still with us and those who have gone home to be with Jesus...we understand....but each road and healing is intimate and from Jesus. He will speak to your heart the exact words that you need to the exact moments. He wants to bring healing to you and Ryan.

'For the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort all her waste places; He will make her wilderness like Eden, And her desert like the garden of the Lord; Joy and gladness will be found in it, Thanksgiving and the voice of melody." Isaish 51:3

I am praying for you all daily and if you ever want to talk...please email me and let me know.

In Christ's love and peace-Stacy

Andrea said...

Hi Leah-
My heart aches for you as you go through this loss.

Something that really struck me though was the fact that Christian was brought home to heaven on the 22nd - the day when he was supposed to be born to this earth. It seems so beautiful and of God that perhaps He sent Christian early to you so that you could have those four precious days. I imagine God has much more to speak to your hearts about the significance of His timing :).

Much love,

GinnyBerry said...

I am so sorry to hear about your terrible loss.