July 19, 2008

Catching up...

Like Ryan said, it's been awhile since our last post...and I apologize for that. I also apologize for not responding to the many emails we've received offering support and encouragement. It's not that we don't appreciate people reaching out to us... it's just that I don't know what to say. I'm sad. I can't think ....and most days I just want to crawl in my bed and hide from the world. Perhaps in doing so, maybe this hell we're living in will go away...but, unfortunately, it's not the case. I'm going through the motions of everyday living. It's tough and I'm struggling with so many emotions right now. I hope you will all understand why I've been so quiet.

As Ryan alluded to in his earlier post, we haven't been getting a lot of positive news from our doctors these past few weeks... The despair is mounting and I'm running out of things to hang my hopes on. In the past, it was very easy to be upbeat and strong...even optimistic about our situation. I guess it's always easier when you have good news to feed your energy. But now, the weight of mine and Ryan's decision to stand by our son is hitting us full force. There are simply no words to describe the pain and fear we are feeling these days. Yes, I'm scared. I'm scared to death of what is to come. I want to be strong for my son and my husband. I want so many things...but mostly, I want more time...I need more time. I'm not ready to let go.

I've read other blogs from incredible mothers who have experienced or are experiencing what I am going through and I am amazed by their strength to endure something so devastating as the loss of a child... but they are surviving! I don't know how they do it... I don't know how I'm going to cope. I admire them so much...several have reached out to me. I love you all for doing so and I'm sorry for not responding in kind... I feel like such a coward because you seem so much stronger than I am. And I'm scared... I hope you will all understand.

Today, this is all I can manage... I promise to give you an update in the next couple of days. I've been meaning to...really. But I have no words right now. A friend suggested that I write a few words to let you know I'm still here and to please not give up on us. Please pray for us... for strength, for courage, and for Christian. We love our son so very much.

Love,

Leah

21 comments:

Laurie said...

Leah,

It is so good to hear from you. Connie and Mallorie are dear friends of mine and I have been praying for you guys and Christian since she told me of you. You are anything but a coward Leah. It is so normal to be afraid and I know that all of the other moms who lost their babies were afraid too. They are stronger now because they have been through this with the Lords help. He will help you too. I am praying for strength and courage for each new day, and for peace to keep you from missing out on the blessings Christian is giving you now, and asking Him to touch this baby with His healing love. Thank you so much for sharing this with us today, giving us the privilege of supporting and encouraging you however we can. I wish I could do more for you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

Leah,
I was so glad to come here and find updates, and find Laurie had been checking, too. Please know that we will be praying for you, especially for peace, since we know you are having such a tough time. It helps to know that specific need.

You have been on my mind today a lot, so I've been praying for you a lot. I hope you have a weekend of feeling Christian kick and feeling close to him and to Ryan.
love, connie

MOM's here said...

Yes, Ryan & Leah - loosing a child is the most devastating.
Watching your child in emotional pain and heartbreak is next. As a parent, you stand helpless but you stand - with your arms open and ready to allieviate the sorrow - knowing the pain and heartbreak will never go away.
These are life expienences that befall us all at sometime to some degree.
We try to be strong, pray or just live through the moments but can't imagine the future.
Hopefully, our God, our love and our hope will sustain us as life evolves.
My undieing love and support is with you both.

Your loving MOM (parent)

Laurie said...

Hi Leah,

Just stopping by this evening to let you know I am thinking about you and praying for you and Ryan as you wait to meet Christian. I want you to know that I will be praying for your mom who posted above. I can really understand her concern for her grandson, while being so concerned with you. I am a grandmother to two babies, and yet my job of being a mother who wants to protect her own children never goes away. It just gets stronger to watch our children become parents and go through trials, and know we can't fix it with a kiss or a bandaid. You are all in my prayers.

Laurie in Ca.

Pete Wilson said...

Still praying. Hang in there guys.

Yvette said...

Leah,

Good afternoon! Just checking in to see how you are doing, I'm SO GLAD you posted. I hope you got the message I left on your cell phone the other night, I just wanted you to know that I'm here and I'm only 5 1/2 hrs away if you ever need someone to talk to, cry with, pray with or hug that "gets it", trust me I do! I've been there - sad, can't think, don't know what to say, crawling in bed to hide, hopes being shattered. We have all been there Leah, we are all in different stages of our grieving right now but you are no weaker than any of us other moms have ever been. It was so great to meet the 8 "internet" friends a few weeks ago in Atlanta because I realized more than ever that I am not alone on this journey. Please know that even if you don't respond to emails or calls we are STILL here, we will not walk away, you reach out when and if you feel like it. Just try to enjoy each and every moment that your precious little boy is alive and kicking - you will forever remember these moments I promise! We are praying for you every day.

Yvette in Jax. FL
www.tristanasher.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Leah
Please try not to measure yourself, by others. I'm sure you are as brave as others. Please try and enjoy your son now. Live for today. Because when you get to tomorrow, it will be today. And if everything is alright today, than enjoy it. Enjoy the kicks and squirms. May God be with you and your husband. I believe you have all the strength you need, believe in yourself. To your son you are a hero.

Angie said...

Leah,

You are very courageous--the choices you have made so far speak for themselves! There is NOTHING cowardly in the decisions you have made for Christian, and just because you don't feel strong, doesn't make you weak!

I understand every bit of what you said. It's hard to know what to say or how to respond. It's hard to know just how to get up out of bed each morning and live. Nothing will make it easy, but I do want you to know that I am praying for you. Only God can handle problems this big!

Much love,

Angie

Laurie said...

Hi Leah,

Just stopping by this morning to let you know I am thinking about you and praying for you as Christians birthday draws close. Really pleading with the Lord to fill you and Ryan with His peace, remove all fear (as much as possible) and be your Rock that you can rest on in this storm. One moment at a time as you wait to meet this sweet baby boy. The Lord will be faithful to bring you through this storm. He will not let you go.

Love and Hope and Many Prayers, Laurie in Ca.

Kenzie said...

Leah-

Good morning! I just wanted to tell you that your family continues to be on my heart and in my prayers... I hope you don't mind put I posted a prayer request for y'all last night on my blog. I know the time is getting close to meeting little Christian and it is so scary... so uncertain. I am praying for God's overwhelming peace, for a peace you can't explain and you can't understand... just know that is from Him and he WILL protect your heart and mind in all of this. I know your heart breaks each time you think of what could be, but as Yvette and Laurie said, I will be praying for you to feel so close to your sweet baby now and not miss out on those little blessings too. Please know that you can reach out to ANY of us, or none of us... we will still be praying and lifting you up. These days you are walking are so difficult but through Christ YOU ARE STRONG!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10- “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, you are strong.”

Psalm 61:2- “From the end of the earth I will cry to you when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

Much love and much prayer!
Kenzie

The Powell Family said...

I am praying for you guys, and I will continte to until. Just until. Whatever that means, whatever God does. I have no words, and I am grateful that He hears the groanings of our hearts. Praying that He uses Christian's life to bring glory to Himself.
Love, from Katy Texas...
Lori

Andrea said...

Agreeing with you in prayer and that the Lord gives you the words to share what you are feeling - He is doing so powerfully now and your son's story will touch many.

Corie said...

Leah,
I just found your blog. I want you to know I am praying for you. I would never expect an email back and I know the others who have commented probably feel the same. I want you to know that while waiting for the birth of my son, I felt like a coward also. I had many fears. I think that is normal. I wish I could tell you the magical word for you to have so much peace, but I DO KNOW that God will give you Peace that surpasses all understanding. I remember others telling me that it will be the best moment and I just couldn't understand. Yet now I do. I am praying that you can embrace these moments with your son in the midst of so many decisions. I will pray God will answers more of your prayers and that you will feel His guidance until delivery and beyond. I pray that He will help you to sleep at night and give all your worries to Him. I say these things, not because I do it well, but beause I have been there and am not walking the journey from the other side. What incredible parents Christian has been given by a Great God who choose you. You love him and he knows it.

Debbie said...

Just came across your blog. I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in our prayers at this time.

Love, Debbie

Laurie said...

Hi Leah and Ryan,

Just stopping by this morning to let you know I am praying for you as time is getting close to meet Christian. I am praying that you have had peace and can feel Gods arms around you. I am asking God to give you the strength that you need for each day. Asking Him to replace your fears with His reassuring peace each moment. I know that He will give you all the strength you need when Christians birthday arrives. You are not a coward in any way, the same Lord who has helped all the other moms cope and get through is the same Lord who is right there with you. It is okay if you don't feel Him, He will not let you go. You can rest in this. I am praying so much for Christian too. He matters so much already and you love him so dearly. You can count on my prayers.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to read your story. I haven't gone through this (although I have been though the loss of a child), but I have been along with a friend as she was in your place. I learned of an awesome service called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (http://nilmdts.com/) I wish I had pictures of my child, if I could go back I would. I'm praying for your family.

Stacy said...

Hi Leah-I just came to your blog from Maddox Stanfield's, as Kenzie had asked for prayer for you. I will be praying for you, your family and your dear son, Christian.

Our sweet baby Joshua was born August 14, 2002 with Trisomy 18 and went home to be with the Lord on Dec. 11, 2002. It was the hardest road I have ever had to travel. I so feel your pain.

His prognosis was dim, and the doctor's didn't think he would survive birth...but God had other plans and we were blessed with 119 days at home with our baby boy!! (God did heal many abnormalities that the doctor's had seen in ultrasounds) With God, all things are possible. Trust Him,....I know it is so hard...I don't say that lightly...but He is holding you, Ryan and Christian in the palms of HIS mighty and strong hands and He loves you...oh God loves you so much. And when you despair (as I did many times!)and don't know what to hang your hope on...just call out to Jesus and put your hope in what HE can do and accomplish.

My heart aches for you as I remember vividly the days before Josh's c-section. Just try to enjoy each moment, each day, each kick and squirm. You aren't a coward..don't think that for a moment, it isn't true...you are a mommy who loves your son and desires life for him.

And don't compare yourself to other Trisomy 18 mommies...our journey's whereas similar...are still unique in what God was teaching us, how HE grew our faith, how He poured out His love upon us all in tangible ways. God loves Christian and will take care of him-but God's ways may not be our ways...but His ways are so much higher than we can even imagine.

I know the pain runs deep right now. God will give you the strength to take each step.

"For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong. And this also we pray, that you may be made complete." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Cast all your cares upon HIM, for HE cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I will continue upholding all of you before God's throne...asking that He would pour out His grace, love and healing upon you.

Love-Stacy

Laurie said...

I just want to let you guys know that I am continuing to pray for you both and Christian as this month comes to a close and August begins tomorrow. I am praying so much for peace for you and asking God to hold you close to His heart. Please let us know if you have any specifics to pray about besides the obvious. Enjoy this time with your little guy, knowing you will meet him soon.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Dear Leah,
I just found you through Kenzie's latest post. I would love to add you to my prayer list if that is okay?
I too had a baby with Trisomy 18, Mary Grace Summons. my blog is marygracesummons.blogspot.com.
I am sorry about Christian. I am so glad Connie found you, she and sweet Mallorie was a great source of hope and encouragement to me too. You mentioned in your post that you do not know how we do it, well..just one moment at a time most days, but clinging on to each other and Jesus is the only way! I do not know what I would have done without others reaching out to me. You let us know what you need, when you need it. I know how overwhelming everything is, we will be here for you. God has chosen you to be Christian's mother, and how blessed he is to have you, someone to fight for him and give him life.
Praise Him.
With love in Christ,
Kim Summons
kimmybons@charter.net

Judy said...

Your story has stuck with me for days and I've been praying for you ever since I heard about little Christian. Maybe it's because my son's name is Christian and my husband's is Ryan, I don't know. But I am praying for that sweet boy of yours. I'm praying that you'll have wisdom and grace to sustain you through what lies ahead. I'm praying for just the right doctor's and nurses to be present at Christian's birth. I'm praying for you and for Ryan; that this experience will draw you closer together! I applaud you for choosing to give Christian the precious gift of life. I believe with all my heart that every breath that he breathes has purpose.
I can't imagine the ache in your heart right now, but just know that lots of people who don't even know you care about you and are praying for you and are asking God to be close to you!

Anonymous said...

Dear Leah and Ryan,

Larry and I just want you to know that you are all very much in our thoughts and in our prayers. Know that we are near if you need anything at all.
There are no words we can say to make this easier for you but we know that you are both strong and that your Love for each other, and for Christian, will get you through this.

God Bless,

Sarah and Larry Oakum