Like Ryan said, it's been awhile since our last post...and I apologize for that. I also apologize for not responding to the many emails we've received offering support and encouragement. It's not that we don't appreciate people reaching out to us... it's just that I don't know what to say. I'm sad. I can't think ....and most days I just want to crawl in my bed and hide from the world. Perhaps in doing so, maybe this hell we're living in will go away...but, unfortunately, it's not the case. I'm going through the motions of everyday living. It's tough and I'm struggling with so many emotions right now. I hope you will all understand why I've been so quiet.
As Ryan alluded to in his earlier post, we haven't been getting a lot of positive news from our doctors these past few weeks... The despair is mounting and I'm running out of things to hang my hopes on. In the past, it was very easy to be upbeat and strong...even optimistic about our situation. I guess it's always easier when you have good news to feed your energy. But now, the weight of mine and Ryan's decision to stand by our son is hitting us full force. There are simply no words to describe the pain and fear we are feeling these days. Yes, I'm scared. I'm scared to death of what is to come. I want to be strong for my son and my husband. I want so many things...but mostly, I want more time...I need more time. I'm not ready to let go.
I've read other blogs from incredible mothers who have experienced or are experiencing what I am going through and I am amazed by their strength to endure something so devastating as the loss of a child... but they are surviving! I don't know how they do it... I don't know how I'm going to cope. I admire them so much...several have reached out to me. I love you all for doing so and I'm sorry for not responding in kind... I feel like such a coward because you seem so much stronger than I am. And I'm scared... I hope you will all understand.
Today, this is all I can manage... I promise to give you an update in the next couple of days. I've been meaning to...really. But I have no words right now. A friend suggested that I write a few words to let you know I'm still here and to please not give up on us. Please pray for us... for strength, for courage, and for Christian. We love our son so very much.