February 6, 2009

Where to start

Dear Friends,

It's difficult getting started after being away from my writing for so long. I have so much to update you on...so many events to share..and yet, trying to figure out where to begin is extremely overwhelming.

I guess I should start by giving you an update on my wrist. As you already know, I had surgery on January 20th which went well. My doctors were able to reset my wrist and support it with a permanent metal plate and 11 screws. The bandages and stitches were removed this past Friday and I have now graduated to a Velcro wrist brace. After 3 different casts over a period of nearly a month and surgery, I am finally on the mend.

Although the surgery went well, I did have some complications with regard to the pain block which was administered prior to surgery. Truthfully, the pain from surgery was incidental to the pain I felt from the block. It's funny (or maybe not) that the sole purpose of having a pain block was to help alleviate any discomfort I experienced from surgery. That was certainly not the case.

As a result of the complication, I had a lot of bruising, swelling, and considerable pain down my arm, sides, back, and neck. The block even affected my good arm. Apparently, I am one of a very small percentage of individuals who experience any kind of complications. Of course, I should have known that! My track record has proven to be just the case with regard to many instances in my life as of late.

I am the one percent or less....and that fact is depressing.

Needless to say, I was in pretty rough shape for a week.

But, as time heals all wounds...I have started feeling much better these last several days.

It's been difficult to not feel sorry for myself. I've often wondered why I am being so challenged in my life. It's been nearly 5 1/2 months since Christian died...I'm still so sad and hurt... Yet, I haven't been able to focus on my emotional healing these past several weeks because of the physical pain I've been dealing with since December. 26th. In fact, my recent injury has left me even more vulnerable than ever before.

Yes, I'm feeling pretty beat up these days... I've been struggling to see the glass half full...and I hate the way I feel. I had the most incredible experience of my life... 4 days and 3 hours with my son! And now, instead of revelling in the beauty of those fleeting moments, it feels as though I've been dropped in a hole...bleak, dark and alone.

I'd tell you that I need a break...but that would only be too funny given my current situation.

It's a far cry from my life a year ago.

One year ago...such a small measure of time...and, yet, so much has happened! I remember those early days of my pregnancy wistfully...I was so naive back then. Ryan and I were still in awe of the news that we were pregnant. And although I hadn't yet begun to show, Ryan was already rubbing my stomach...with the smile of a proud papa covering his face. We giggled so much those early days...every single time we caught each other's eyes, in fact. We were so happy.

Of course, Ryan and I still didn't know we were having a boy...but we knew the only name we could agree on was, Christian Dale Paige. Little did we know that God had already begun to lay his plans out for our family...for our son.

In my darkest moments, I have found comfort in knowing that Christian's life was mapped out long before I ever knew him.

51 comments:

Sharleen said...

Praying for your physical healing Leah. As for the emotional part, well, I know it's just not that simple. I'm on my on surreal journey. My daughter, Joy, went to be with Jesus not long after your precious Christian. I pray His peace over you and your husband.(((hugs)))

Penny said...

So good to hear from you and I am happy to hear that you have your surgery behind you. It sounds like it really had you down for a while.

I hope you are still getting to enjoy to sweet memories of your speacial son.

Your still in our daily prayers and thoughts.

Becky said...

Leah -

First of all, my youngest daughter is also one of those 'freaky less than 1%' where if anything could go wrong - it does.

You have had a lot. You do need time to grieve. The physical pain sometimes does supersede the emotional. Your grief is so fresh yet. As a part of a triplet forum, there are often instances where one does not survive and the parent struggles with trying to experience joy for the two living while grieving the loss of one. That one that is 'missing' is always in their memory of what should have been.

Your faith is crucial. God does have a plan. His plan was not yours, and you will not know the whys of His plan until eternity.

Recently I have found some really great blogs where the mom's turned their loss into some type of a ministry to others. Perhaps when you are totally healed, that is something you could look forward to. Benefiting others in Christian's memory. Perhaps that is the 'Why?'

Anonymous said...

Dear Leah and Ryan,

While I frequently check your blog I have not written anything here. Today I feel compelled to write. I have absolutely NO understanding of your journey or of your pain so I can't say I understand. However, I can say my heart aches for you as you travel along this road you didn't choose, and would not have chosen if given the chance. Yet here you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Linnae Bosma, Minneapolis, MN

Kathy said...

Dearest Leah,

You certainly have every right to each feeling you described. It's so good to get it off your chest and we love you and pray for you and know that better days are ahead!

It's always good to check in and see that you have posted. Keep writing. Healing, both physical and emotional, is hard work and time-consuming.

May the Lord bless you and keep you and hold you (and Ryan) especially tight!

Love,
Kathy

Debbie said...

Praying for your continued recovery from sugery and healing heart. You are an inspiration and have touched many lives. Thank you.

Gale said...

Dear Leah,

I honestly do not know one single explanation or reason for why you have been dealt the life you have experienced lately. I do know that God is good and loving and hurts when we hurt. I also am sure that you were specially chosen to give Christian life, because if he were only livng for 4
days, he needed the most special mother in the world to have shared the short journey to earth. In Heaven, all answers will be revealed, but until then, I am not sure we can understand. I check your blog often, and I find so much strength in your words. It is almost as if you are still hanging in, I am surely going to persevere...although my circumstances are totally different and less traumatic than yours. Your posts are always so honest and raw, and that makes them so real. Know that many are praying daily for you, and please keep up the good fight. You are Christian's mom, and that, too, makes you precious!

Jason and Vanessa said...

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I didn't realize that our babies were born and died only a few months apart. I just want you to know that I have been praying for your family! I can't remember if I sent you the books Safe in the Arms of God and Suffering and the Sovereignty of God if I didn't please email me your address vkdelgado@hotmail.com. Besides the Bible those two books helped us out so much. The Lord used them to answer a lot of questions that we had. Also if you ever need to talk you can email me and I will send you my number or we can just chat through email. I'm so sorry for your loss but I want you to know that you are not alone in this.

The Lord has really used the book of Ecclesiastes to comfort me a lot.

Ecclesiastes 7:1-14
1 A good name is better than precious ointment,
And the day of death than the day of one’s birth;
2 Better to go to the house of mourning
Than to go to the house of feasting,
For that is the end of all men;
And the living will take it to heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter,
For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
But the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.
9 Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry,
For anger rests in the bosom of fools.
10 Do not say,

“ Why were the former days better than these?”
For you do not inquire wisely concerning this.
11 Wisdom is good with an inheritance,
And profitable to those who see the sun.
12 For wisdom is a defense as money is a defense,
But the excellence of knowledge is that wisdom gives life to those who have it.
13 Consider the work of God;
For who can make straight what He has made crooked?
14 In the day of prosperity be joyful,
But in the day of adversity consider:
Surely God has appointed the one as well as the other,
So that man can find out nothing that will come after him.

I'm praying for you!

Love ya,
Vanessa Delgado

Stephanie said...

A couple of months ago as I was "blog-hopping" :) I read your entire history! What a journey and what honesty you have shared in telling your story. Though I'm not always sure of the other gifts with which God has blessed me, I can certainly say I know He has made me compassionate. I say that to let you know I don't take your story lightly. My heart aches for the you and I am burdened because of your pain. So I pray and cry with you. Though my situations have been very different, I know I, too, have felt I needed and deserved a break. We all feel that way sometimes. We all take the blessings God has so graciously given us for granted at one point or another. He knows it, He expects it, and most of all, He understands it and loves when we recognize our mistake. Five and a half months is NOT a long time; not nearly long enough to erase the pain of a precious child lost. So God will continue to pick you up and dust you off and hold you a little tighter. Hang in there and know that perfect strangers like me are praying with the love of a God too amazing and too wonderful for words.
May your glass be "half-full" tonight and every night.

Darlene said...

I still think of you often, and pray for your journey...

Taylor Konahiki said...

Hey Leah...hope you get to feeling better really soon. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. I know that its hard to concentrate on more than one of those areas at a time...but once you are feeling better physically you will be able to focus on the positive things in life.

Penny said...

So glad you posted! The wrist sounds like it is healing well now. The heart....well that will take longer. I know that you are monig through this time as best you can.

I'm glad to see you posting again and I hope that your words will come more easily now.

Still praying here for you and Ryan and your marriage. I still have prayers for little Christian too.

Leah said...

I am glad to hear your wrist is finally on the mend...what a road you have had. I am so sorry for all the pain...You are still in my prayers and please don't give up trusting God and His ways even when you can't see where you are going right now. HUGS...
Leah C.

Susan said...

Leah,

I'm praying for you and a year full of hope and happiness. God will reveal your perfect plan in time and although that is so easy for me to say, you will one day realize the reason for it all. You are tough as nails. You are strong. And even though you probably feel like you couldn't cry one more tear if something else happened to you, you probably could because God would not give you anything you cannot handle. A little bit of hope and a lot of faith can go a long way...take care!

Erika said...

Leah, I am so sorry you are going through so much right now. How awful about the pain block. I pray you continue to heal and that the Lord will continue to make His comforting presence clearly known to you. Praying for you...
~Erika

Anonymous said...

Leah,
You have had some tough breaks! (Pun kinda intended :)) But please do not let this get you down. You are brave, you indeed gave Christian your heart. That is a what a Mother does, put their child's needs first, and their own needs last. Now, I do not know if this is the time. I do not mean any harm. Here I go. You are a parent without a child. Have you considered doing foster care, or adoption. I know Christian cannot be replaced. I realize your grief must extremely deep. I just really try in my own life to make something come out of every situation. Not that Christian was/is a situation. He was a beautiful baby. Just try and give yourself something back. I hope you did not find this comment mean spirited,
In no way was that the intent. If you did find it hurtful please just say, "never comment again Lisa" and I will listen.
Smiles,
Lisa

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Leah,
Praying for you, praying for it all.
With love,
Kim

Ray, Megan and Ruby Denise said...

I read this post a while back and checked back today to see if anything was new - it made me sad to see no comments....just wanted to drop a line and let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you!

Kathy said...

Hi Leah!

I keep checking in to see if you have posted. Hoping your recovery is going well.

You remain in my prayers!
Kathy

Chelsea Pang said...

My heart goes out to you. Our baby was stillborn with Trisomy 18 at 37 weeks. And she would be 5 months 2 days ago. I look forward to reading more of your blog and learning more about you and your little family.
Blessings!

Fish with Trish said...

The joy of the Lord is your strength. (Neh 8:9) God bless you!

Kathy said...

Hi Leah!

I keep checking in hoping for a post to hear how you are doing and how your wrist is recovering. You are probably busy with physical therapy and all but it sure would be good to hear from you again!

Love and prayers!!!
Kathy

LucieP said...

oh your words are so true!
I read your blog from time to time so I'll have to back to read what happened to your wrist!

I always tell myself, when the unexpected happens, God is trying to get my attention!

Still praying for healing!!

Susie said...

Haven't heard from you in a while...hope you are well. Will keep you in my prayers.

twiceasnice4tots said...

I have been thinking about you lately! How are you? Would love an update! I wish we could meet for coffee sometimes. I would love to talk in more detail. But unfortunately I live to far! Hee, hee! Please send an update soon!

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

Leah,
I havn't gotten a chance to say much lately, but you have been on my mind. I know it's hard to start writing again, esp. when you don't know where to start, but come back to us!
How is the garden coming?? I would love to see, things should be starting to bloom right? I've been praying for both of you, that as your wrist heals so does the little outer pieces of your heart. I know that you are still hurting, and pray that you realize people are still lifting you in prayer!
-Ginger

asplashofsunshine said...

Hope you are ok. Just checking in from Blogland.

Anonymous said...

Are you and your husband doing well together?

Kathy said...

Hi Leah!

Wondering how you and Ryan are doing. It would be great to hear from you.

My family and I were just down in Naples for a wedding on the beach. It's beautiful! Thought alot about you two. Ryan because I heard so many sirens at all hours and thought of your wonderful firemen/women there.

Hoping you were enjoying the warm, sunny weather. It was a real treat to us!

We then headed up for a week in Sanibel. Again, the weather was perfect.

Please know that I and I know many, many others are thinking of and praying for you, Leah!

When you have a minute, please let us know how you two are.

Prayers continue from Michigan!

Love,
Kathy

Anonymous said...

I hope you are doing well. I pray for you each and every day.

Anonymous said...

I hope you are doing well. I pray for you each and every day.

Lady-in-the-Making said...

Hope you are both doing ok. Thinking of you.

Gale said...

Hello Leah,
Just wanted you to know that I am hoping that you are healing inside and out. I am lifting you up in prayer today...and I hope Spring gives you a chance to revel in God's beautiful handiwork!

Blessings~

DramaCity said...

I wanted to check up on you both. I hadn't seen a post in a while-I pray all is well. Thinking of you.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

thinking of you Leah and continuing to pray!
Love,
Kim

Chelsea Pang said...

I have read your blog in the past and just want you to know I am thinking of you. Hoping your heart is healing. I am so sorry for your lost.

Susie said...

Thinking of you and hoping you are okay...

connie said...

I hope you are still healing, Leah. I continue to pray for you, and hope to hear how God is working in your life.

Anonymous said...

Hope all is well. Still checking your blog. May peace be with you.

Hugs
Lisa

LucieP said...

thinking about ya'll today

Kathy said...

Hey Leah!
Missing you! Please post soon! Hope all is well!!!
Love,
Kathy

KingsLittleBlessings said...

Thinking of you and sweet Christian and praying for you!!

Kathy said...

Thinking of you and Ryan today, Passover, and the Easter weekend ahead.

Praying for you both and missing not hearing from you! Hoping you will drop us all a line soon.

Anonymous said...

Praying, peace is surrounding you. Hope you are just to darn busy to write.

Smiles
Lisa

Kathy said...

Hi Leah!
Still checking in on you and Ryan and missing you guys! Would love to hear from you.
Prayers continue!
Kathy

Anonymous said...

Dear Leah,
I have been reading your blog over the past four months and feel like I know you, although I don't! My heart aches for your pain and grief. Sharing your heart the way you do has been a great testimony to me.
Michelle, Simpsonville, SC

connie said...

Thinking of you today, Leah. Praying for your heart.

Deb D. said...

Check on you nearly every day. You are MISSED! Many of us are praying you are doing well.

Anonymous said...

There is a mom like you who lost her baby. My heart aches for you and I'll pray for you and your familty. Her blog may help you: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com

Katie said...

Happy early Mother's Day Leah. I know that Christian is looking down from Heaven with so much love for his Mama! :-)

Kathy said...

Still checking in regularly hoping to hear how you and Ryan are doing! Miss you and prayers continue! Please let us know how you are doing!
Love,
Kathy